Monday 24 July 2017

2am friend


This was a question on the radio a couple of weeks ago.  Who’s is your 2am friend? 

The other day I was discussing this with some guys in the Pub. And as I went up to the bar, I received a call from a friend whose life was just falling apart, and he needed someone to talk too.  I went outside, and we spent about half an hour chatting.  By the end of the conversation, he was feeling much better and able to cope with the situation. We met for lunch the next day, and things were still bad, but he was dealing with it.  But just imagine if he had no one to call and the very moment when everything seemed to be crashing to the ground.  We know from the statistics I’ve already mentioned in my blogs, that the consequence of situations like this for Men is tragic.

Let’s start with what is a 2am friend.  A 2am friend is that friend you are able to call at any time, 2am, 2pm, 12 noon, 8pm…. Anytime. And that friend will come to your aid.
These days, we seem to be too busy to be that 2am friend. We can all say, ‘just call if you need me’ and ‘let me know if I can be of help’

But do we really mean that, when we are called at 2 in the morning to get out of bed and go to a friend in need? Even though we have to get up for work at 6am the next day, and have had a hard few weeks ourselves?

How far will we go for someone else?  Even if they call us their 2am friend, but they may not be ours?

Literally today as I was writing this, I received a message from a friend in need. Was I going to be phoney in my response or be true to my word. “I am there for you my friend”.  I really hope I can be, but only time will tell.

Do you have a 2am friend or friends?
As I said before, blokes are rubbish at talking We will avoid emotional situations at all costs.  We won’t phone someone up, because we don’t know what to say. Well say that “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you if you need a friend”, offer practical things like a lift somewhere, a beer, a coffee, or just someone for them to shout at and get whatever pain they are going through right then, out!

And if you really are someone’s 2am friend, be prepared to get up at 2am and go fix a flat tyre, pick them up off the pavement when they’ve had mental breakdown, pick them up from the police station, or just need a friend.

The Science bit……

Did you know?
It is a known fact Helping Others Will Actually Make You Feel better. Giving back has a physical and mental effect on your body.

                 Helping others will actually make You feel great.
                 People volunteered and donated to charity, the mesolimbic system is triggered. Which is the ‘reward’ pathway in your brain.
                 which also releases feel-good chemicals and spurs you to perform more kindly acts.
                 Charitable activities lowered their stress.
                 Helping others can teach you to help yourself.
                 People who volunteer have been found to have higher self-esteem and overall well-being.
                 People who participate in volunteer work feel more empowered than those who do not.
                 People who volunteered over the last 12 months said volunteering enriches their sense of purpose.
                 More calm and peaceful than people who didn’t participate in volunteer work.
                 Volunteering as a way to “promote a deeper sense of gratitude as we recognize more of what is already a blessing/gift/positive in our life.”
                 Helping Others Will Spur Others To Pay It Forward And Keep The Cycle Of Happiness Going

….


I’m not keen on the challenge “Be a man” or “Grow some” when a guy is going through some tough times.  But I would say to you, if you really want to “Be a Man” and “Grow Some”, be that 2am friend….. for real!

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Monday 24 April 2017

When baby arrives....

I have been talking to a number of young men, who are in their early years of marriage. And although it does not shock me, I am saddened by how many are struggling with it, particularly when babies come along.

Relationships go through a massive change after children arrive. And some of these changes are good and some may seem bad.

The demands placed on parents looking after a new baby, can then seem to get in the way and even replace the loving, exciting, romantic relationship you had before.

I know this is not the case for everyone. But in most cases, it is the mother who takes the most responsibility of the day to day looking after the child. And the demands placed on a her caring for a young child are immense and sometimes unbearable.

And the saying “two’s company and three’s crowd”, come in to mind. You may feel like you, as the farther and partner are unnecessary to their needs, inadequate and pushed out.  Apart from the odd ‘get this, get that, do this, do that, stop this and stop that……etc.

"fallen out of love with you"

You also may feel your partner has fallen out of love with you and possibly doesn’t want or need you anymore. And you are left with trying to find your role in the relationship.

This, mixed with a lack of sleep, possible financial issues and no or little sex, can leave you thinking, where is my place in all this.  Routines go out the window, you don’t have time to talk, and you may have lost contact with friends and extended family.

Well, If this is you, let me start by saying; All of what I have just said, is normal and you can get through this. I am pretty sure ‘everyone’ goes through this to a greater or lesser extent.



I could write a whole load of blogs on the difficulties if being a mum. But this blog  is for  men, so I won't. However, becoming a new mum take a massive emotional, physical and mental toll on your partner. It is a big deal to care for a human who is completely dependent on you. “Where is the bloody manual?” I hear people say.

"helplessness and frustration"

But feelings of helplessness and frustration can set in, leaving you depressed, angry and looking for a way out.

At this point, men can turn to something else to get their needs and desires met. From work to sport to friends; and more damaging things like alcohol, drugs, gambling, affairs and more.

All of this can doubly hard if there are medical problems with the baby, or your partner is suffering with Post Natal depression.

What you can do

"This is normal and will get better"

As I said, this is normal and will get better. Your partner hasn’t fallen out of love with you, but she has to put the baby first, it is a involuntary, automatic natural emotion and part of the female DNA.  That is not to say men don’t love or put their children first, but it is different.

So, negotiating your roles and sharing expectations is good practice for parenting as a team and keeping your relationship strong.

Recognise and know that this is going to happen, and during the pregnancy is a good time to figure out who does what once your baby arrives and whether you and your partner want to do things differently.

Remember that it’s also important to be flexible and review your plans from time to time, because life will keep changing as your baby gets older.

But if you are feeling depressed and angry, seek help from a Dr, counsellor or friend. If you don’t have access to any of these, please get in touch with us, and we will try and help too.

Things may not always turn out well for you and your partner, and you may separate, which has its own issues and problems. But you and your partner can still get through this positively, with good and happy memories of your children(s) early years. 

Last of all. I’ve said it many times in this blog, and I will say it again…. These feeling are normal, and life will get better.



Life can be tough as a parent, but it is the best thing in the world.

"I have been married nearly 30 years"

I have been married nearly 30 years, I have two grown up daughters and 3 grandchildren; And yes, I also went through these feelings of inadequacy, failure, feeling unloved and many other emotions during the early years of my kids, and a bit later on in their growing up.  But I love my wife, kids and grandchildren more than ever, and would not wish it any other way.

           "This is normal and will get better"

Graham Foxwell

Some interesting articles on this subject.




http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/advice/youll-probably-want-a-divorce-after-you-have-a-baby-its-normal/



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Friday 31 March 2017

Heads together Campaign

If you have been watching or listening to the news today, there has been a lot of stuff on the Heads Together campaign on depression and getting people to talk.

Heads together

An element of the “The Man Shed” is taken up by this http://www.themanshed.org.uk/home/mental-health/ and partly our purpose and function is to offer help and support in this area.


So…. I would like to offer our support to any guys from the our area (see below for other agencies) who are having a difficult time right now, we are not professional counsellors or Drs, but we are willing to listen and offer support in any way we can. Even if it is to just for someone to shout and scream at, and say how crap life is right now. You can get in touch via the website www.themanshed.org.uk/home/contact-us/, or email us at talk@themanshed.org.uk.

You probably know the statistics by now, but nearly 80% of suicides in the UK are men and it is the most common cause of death in men aged between 15 and 45.

Men are rubbish at talking & doing something about issues in their lives, but guys, It makes you more of a ‘man’ to realise you are struggling and to seek help. Just take a look at some of the video being realised today from the likes of Freddie Flintoff and Pro Green. https://youtu.be/JjdIgUVj3Pw

If this is you I am talking about, and you are not happy to talk to me, please seek help elsewhere, like Samaritans on 116 123, or CALM on 0800 58 58 58, or see your GP.

Feel free to share.

Thanks 
Graham Foxwell



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Monday 27 March 2017

Divorces in England and Wales

Hi guys,

Just a short blog today!

I was at a Men's conference this weekend, and I found out another statistic that sadden me. 

That is.... according to the Office of National Statistics, "The number of divorces in 2014 was highest among men aged 45 to 49."  

Which incidentally is the peak age for suicide. 


And again, I would like to help stop this trend, and offer my support to any guys struggling in this area (and any other to be honest) of their lives.

www.themanshed,org.uk

Thanks 

Graham Foxwell

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Tuesday 21 March 2017

Getting Help??

I know from speaking to several guys, that accessing support for mental health issues is beset with problems.

I myself have experienced problems in my own family, trying to access this stuff for my daughter when she was a teenager. And then when she became an adult (at 17, figure that one out!!!), it was almost impossible. We had to scream and shout for support, and on occasions refuse to leave places until they did something.  And on one occasion, call the police.

Men being men, we find it difficult asking for help in the first place, so when we get fobbed off, it can be a real issue.


I know, this is not always the case, and it depends on where you live etc. And there are some good and bad stories. But I would like to hear your experiences…. Good or bad???


Thanks 
Graham Foxwell

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Wednesday 15 March 2017

Talking about your feelings

Now this is just my opinion, so take it as you see, and I would like to hear feedback.

Men are shallow when it comes to sharing feelings, which definitely true with me. However, this I believe, is very reason the statistics of depression, loneliness, stress and suicide in Men are so high in the UK.

Now I am not saying we all have to trot off to counselling, although in some cases we do! I am saying, we need to be able to say to our 'mates', "Life is a crap right now" and say things like…. "I've just lost my job", "My wife has left me", "My kids really sick" or "I'm really depressed right now and I don't know why".

We also need to be able to have a mate or two, we can let rip with. To Shout and swear at, and possibly get a bit aggressive with (I don’t mean violent).

Over the years we have been running the ‘Men’s Pub nite’ I can’t remember how many times, friends have followed me up to the bar or took me to one side, to say some of the things above.  Some just want me to say, ‘I’m really sorry to hear that’ and other want to chat a bit more.  And a few more want to meet up on another date, when it’s a bit more private to chat a bit more, and get what is bothering them off their chests.


And that simple conversation can be enough to stop that person going home and doing something else to relieve the pain and anguish they are going through.  That being, alcohol, drugs, violence or suicide.

Talk to your mates, to your Doctor, partner or us. We can if needed, signpost you to a professional if needed.

Don’t sit in silence. You are not alone.

Thanks 

Graham Foxwell
The Man Shed

www.themanshed.org.uk 



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Tuesday 14 March 2017

Life today for Men

Life for many Men these days is...... move in with a partner (get married), get a job, have kids, and….. move away from where they grew up or at least lose contact or regular contact with their mates.

'New Life'

And in this ‘new life’, they, get up every day, got to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, get up, got to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed ……and on and on it goes. After a couple of years, that becomes their whole life. Possibly with a bit of sport, family and socialising in-between.

In some cases, your work becomes your family, and even the family become a vague abstract feature of life.

This can then create tension in personal and business relationships. Bringing about an identity crisis, feelings of loneliness and isolation. Leading to depression, anxiety, grief, or stress. 

You can have lots of friends, business colleagues and family around you and still feel lonely.


So when this ‘new life’ starts to unravel or fall apart, you are left with no one to turn too. Because you have become detached from family, and your mates are in the same situation or have moved on or away. 

And, us being blokes, we don’t talk!


If ignored, this situation can develop into alcoholism, drug use, self-harm and affect your physical and mental health. With symptoms of schizophrenia, anxiety and depression. And sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts and actions.

So lets talk!



So… if you can associate with anything I have said above, or you know someone who does; Firstly, You are not alone, you are not the only person who feels like this, and life can and will get better.

If would like to talk more. Get in touch with us at The Man Shed. www.themanshed.org.uk

Or if you need to talk right now or feel you need specialist help. contact the CALM Zone https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
or
The Samaritans at http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you


Thanks 
Graham Foxwell

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Monday 13 March 2017

My First ever Blog!! :)


OK Bloggers. This is my first ever blog, so I’m keeping it short and to the point….. hopefully!

So basically, I wanted to start a discussion on Men’s Mental health and suicide in the UK.
I started looking into this a few years ago, when a friend I knew back in school took his own life. And this obviously left me feeling shocked, confused and upset. Subsequently, three more guys from that same year at my old school took their own lives. And this started my journey in to exploring ‘Male suicide in the UK’.

I came across an organisation called the CALM Zone (www.thecalmzone.net), and was shocked by the statistics they published. 


Statistic like: 
  • Suicide is the UK’s single biggest cause of death among men under the age of 45….Do you get that? Nothing else kills more men/boys under the age of 45 in the UK than suicide..... nothing!
  • Over 76% of all suicides in the UK are Men!
  • When men choose to take their own lives, they usually pick a violent or brutal method; one which is more likely to result in death.

My question is…. What is wrong with us as a society? That for some men, when in a time of crisis or severe depression, the only option they see available to them, is suicide?

There are not many things in this world we/I can influence, or do very much about; but I for one cannot sit idly by and do nothing. 

So who is with me on this, and wants to stand up and fight against this silent killer in our society?


Lets TALK!




Thanks 

Graham Foxwell

The Man Shed
www.themanshed.org.uk 




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