I have been talking to a number of young men, who are in their early
years of marriage. And although it does not shock me, I am saddened by how many
are struggling with it, particularly when babies come along.
Relationships go through a massive change after children arrive. And some
of these changes are good and some may seem bad.
The demands placed on parents looking after a new baby, can then seem to
get in the way and even replace the loving, exciting, romantic relationship you
had before.
I know this is not the case for everyone. But in most cases, it is the
mother who takes the most responsibility of the day to day looking after the
child. And the demands placed on a her caring for a young child are immense and
sometimes unbearable.
And the saying “two’s company and three’s crowd”, come in to mind. You
may feel like you, as the farther and partner are unnecessary to their needs, inadequate
and pushed out. Apart from the odd ‘get
this, get that, do this, do that, stop this and stop that……etc.
"fallen out of love with you"
You also may feel your partner has fallen out of love with you and
possibly doesn’t want or need you anymore. And you are left with trying to find
your role in the relationship.
This, mixed with a lack of sleep, possible financial issues and no or
little sex, can leave you thinking, where is my place in all this. Routines go out the window, you don’t have
time to talk, and you may have lost contact with friends and extended family.
Well, If this is you, let me start by saying; All of what I have just
said, is normal and you can get through this. I am pretty sure ‘everyone’
goes through this to a greater or lesser extent.
I could write a whole load of blogs on the difficulties if being a mum. But this blog is for men, so I won't. However, becoming a new mum take a massive emotional, physical and mental
toll on your partner. It is a big deal to care for a human who is completely
dependent on you. “Where is the bloody manual?” I hear people say.
"helplessness and frustration"
But feelings of helplessness and frustration can set in, leaving you
depressed, angry and looking for a way out.
At this point, men can turn to something else to get their needs and
desires met. From work to sport to friends; and more damaging things like alcohol,
drugs, gambling, affairs and more.
All of this can doubly hard if there are medical problems with the baby,
or your partner is suffering with Post Natal depression.
What you can do
"This is normal and will get better"
As I said, this is normal and will get better. Your partner hasn’t
fallen out of love with you, but she has to put the baby first, it is a involuntary,
automatic natural emotion and part of the female DNA. That is not to say men don’t love or put their
children first, but it is different.
So, negotiating your roles and sharing expectations is good practice for
parenting as a team and keeping your relationship strong.
Recognise and know that this is going to happen, and during the pregnancy
is a good time to figure out who does what once your baby arrives and whether you
and your partner want to do things differently.
Remember that it’s also important to be flexible and review your plans
from time to time, because life will keep changing as your baby gets older.
But if you are feeling depressed and angry, seek help from a Dr, counsellor
or friend. If you don’t have access to any of these, please get in touch with
us, and we will try and help too.
Things may not always turn out well for you and your partner, and you may separate, which has its own issues and problems. But you and your partner can still get through this positively, with good and happy memories of your children(s) early years.
Last of all. I’ve said it many times in this blog, and I will say it again….
These feeling are normal, and life will get better.
Life can be tough as a parent, but it is the best thing in the world.
"I have been married nearly 30 years"
I have been married nearly 30 years, I have two grown up daughters and 3
grandchildren; And yes, I also went through these feelings of inadequacy,
failure, feeling unloved and many other emotions during the early years of my kids, and
a bit later on in their growing up. But
I love my wife, kids and grandchildren more than ever, and would not wish
it any other way.
"This is normal and will get better"
Graham Foxwell
Graham Foxwell
Some interesting articles on this subject.
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